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  • r.m. allen


Midway through dinner, we realize this is the nicest place we've been out since our honeymoon. It was his idea: dinner before a show. He picked the place too, a downtown steakhouse a few blocks from the symphony hall.


We are the first patrons in the door, a few minutes before our reservation. Perhaps it's because we so rarely do this that everything feels so luxurious: a stand at the front desk for the umbrellas needed in this winter downpour, specialty whipped butter to go with the bread, steak tartare and oysters on the menu, a jazz trio cordoned off by the bar, a glass room filled with wine bottles that glow like garnets. The hostess tucks us into a cozy booth, where our waiter greets us moments later and shares his dinner recommendations.


It seems silly to attempt to preserve the ephemeral experience of a good meal by writing about it. A sentence in my mouth will never melt like short ribs or goat cheese; it cannot taste as rich as chocolate cake. But oh, how good it was, every bite.


With time to kill and stomachs to settle, we order tea (which, of course, we chose from a wooden chest that was brought to our table, then brewed with hot water from individual-sized ceramic pots). Every so often we comment to one another how nice it all is.


Of course, it's always nice to have dinner together, whether it's chicken nuggets in the car or cheese and crackers on the couch or my latest experiment at our dining table over a game of cribbage. But this is especially nice, a fond glimpse backward at the indulgence of years ago. They tell you when you get married that the honeymoon phase doesn't last, and I suppose they're not wrong. Eventually, you trade in the giddy just-married joy for a quiet equilibrium just as surely as you replace the castoff furniture that provisions your first place together. What they don't tell you quite so clearly is that those everyday moments of connection lay a foundation for the special ones like this.


I look across the table at him, smiling. We will have to do this more often, we agree.

 

Here's what I read, cooked, and created in the month of January.


What I Read

  • Being Elisabeth Elliot, Ellen Vaughn (★★★★)

  • The One and Only Bob, Katherine Applegate (★★★)

  • Man and Wife, Andrew Klavan (★★★)

  • Jo & Laurie, Margaret Stohl and Melissa de la Cruz (★★★)

  • Verity, Colleen Hoover ()


If you want to hear the rationale behind my rating, head to my Goodreads for full reviews.


What I Cooked

Difficulty:

Flavor: ★★★★

Keeper: Yes

Comments: I definitely had to add more liquid than called for, and I don't think the goat cheese was necessary. Otherwise, though, this was the best Modern Proper recipe I've tried to date.


What I Created

  • Half of a poem

May your days be filled with beauty, and may your heart be filled with the willingness to see and give thanks for it.

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  • r.m. allen

You pluck me flowers from the sky

and scatter them for me to catch.

They have no substance but belief,

which lends imaginations mass.


Like kisses blown the petals find

my warmest welcome; I can play

along. I lift you high to reach

the finest blooms for our bouquet.


Too soon you will not need my height,

but, growing tall, will realize

that flowers only blossomed when

you searched for them with wondering eyes.


So time reclaims its choicest gifts.

I will be gone when you are grown

and you will set me down to rest

and lay your flowers on my stone.

 

Here's what I read, cooked, and created in the month of December.


What I Read

  • The Beatryce Prophecy, Kate DiCamillo (★★★★★)

  • The Starless Sea, Erin Morgenstern (★★★)––reread

If you want to hear the rationale behind my rating, head to my Goodreads for full reviews.


What I Cooked

Difficulty: ★★

Flavor: ★★★★★

Keeper: Yes

Comments: If you need a good holiday appetizer for a Christmas get-together, this is a winner. Even if you, like me, are notoriously horrible at making food look pretty, it will still look good.


Difficulty: ★

Flavor: ★★★★

Keeper: Yes

Comments: I did not follow the directions on processing the oats because my food processor was already in use (and I was feeling lazy), and I should have, because my cookies ended up being tiny. Nevertheless, they were delicious, and my husband declared that they may be my best cookies to date.


What I Created

May your days be filled with beauty, and may your heart be filled with the willingness to see and give thanks for it.

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  • r.m. allen


The mental deliberation begins as soon as the Christmas tree goes up: should I send a Christmas card this year? Surely we must have some family photo from some event this year that would be good enough for a card. And look, Shutterfly is having a deal—my mom forwarded it to me this morning.


She was always so good about Christmas cards. Even in years without professional family photos, she’d send one, accompanied by a printed letter with a full recap of each family member’s year. We four children would sit assembly-line style at the table to ready each card for mailing: card, letter, envelope, address label, stamp, seal. On at least one occasion, when my mother was too busy with end-of-semester grading to compose the letter, I stepped in to write it myself, replete with adolescent snark.


But while I know how to send that Christmas card and write that Christmas letter, while I am now celebrating my sixth Christmas running my own household, I still haven’t done it. We don’t have the addresses or even a list of recipients. We’re already spending so much money for the holidays. It’s December 15 now, too late to order a Christmas card and get it in the mail on time, and if we order New Year’s cards, everybody will know we procrastinated. Perhaps next year, I tell myself (knowing, of course, that I will do no such thing).


What is there to say, even? My life is just too boring. All right, sure, maybe there’s one or two pieces of news, but anybody who needs to know does already, and there’s no sense in fluffing one sentence worth of information into a full-page letter. Perhaps the truest (but least informative) statement about my life is that it continues apace. This year looks similar to last year. Last year wasn’t a whole lot different than the year before. Barring some cataclysmic moment of either disaster or joy, I’d wager next year will be similar as well.

I used to think I would lead a thrilling life of adventure and achievement. I was going to be somebody and do something. I suppose I still could, although I’m increasingly less sure about what that would be. So I guess I will just be boring.


In this case, however, the more charitable assessment of affairs is perhaps the more honest one. My life is quiet, certainly, but it is not boring. I do not wake up in dread of every day, nor do I go to sleep with a horrible sense of emptiness each night. In actuality, I rather enjoy my life. It is not particularly exciting by contemporary standards, but it is a good life nevertheless, and I know it is good not because of some grand thing I am accomplishing but the way in which I am endeavoring to live out the ordinary days I am given.


In this small pocket of time and space that I inhabit, I am daily striving to reach out and grasp something infinite. The work I do, the people I love, the home I tend, the meals I make, the books I read, the walks I take, the rhythms of life I establish—all of these are paths that may lead me to the end for which I was created: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. I find the deepest sense of satisfaction in my life when I recognize that even in the quiet, He is speaking to me here.


In writing this letter to close out the year, I have no monthly milestone photos, no before and after, no round-robin summary of each family member’s year (although I’m sure Dobby’s would be quite adorable). My growth is not that of the flower, which explodes into a vibrant blossom before vanishing, but of the tree, branching and budding, dropping what is dead and waiting dormant for new shoots to spring forth. It is slow and silent, but I hope that whatever grows at the end is, in the words of one of my favorite poems, “something shapely, useful, new, delicious.”


And even now, I am grateful for all I have reaped in 2023, and I trust that whatever I have sown will one day bring forth abundance. You will not be getting a Christmas card from me, but I do wish you a merry Christmas nevertheless. We'll see about New Year's.

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